Fear


Tomorrow is “the big day”- the day I will be operated. The last three weeks that were a waiting period looked like they will never end, but I managed to keep myself occupied with things that made this time easier for me. I wrote and also started working with a fantastic editor on my second novel. My editor actually served in the Army with me, and he is a very talented and well known poet in Israel. It actually feels like home just to be able to work with him.

I was also busy promoting my book “Daughters of Iraq” last weekend that brought its ranking to a high place in Historical fiction. I was also busy with everyday life, with the most important people in my life and a one small dog. Those filed my days with joy and happiness. But the nights; the nights is a totally different story. At nights I try to fall asleep as late as possible, and if I could give sleeping up at all, I would do it with pleasure, since the moment I fall asleep my dreams are haunted, all the devils gets out of the bottle…

I am afraid, yes I say it clearly. I am so much afraid, and I do not have the energy to now stay strong. I am afraid of the surgery and of the things that will follow. If I could wake up in a month I would do it with pleasure, but there isn`t yet any “Time Machine” that I could use, and as for now, I do need to go through that “reality tunnel”. I spent some time at the hospital last week, did all the procedures and preparations, and was told that I should get a phone call the next day to tell me the time of the surgery. The next day I missed some phone calls, did not notice I had some messages, and by the end of the day got a pretty hysteric phone call telling me, that the hospital people were trying to reach me all day. I knew they were supposed to call me, but somehow I just forgot about it. I guess that the mind has its own way getting over things, by just letting them go…

I try to take my mind to a happy places, restful ones, just to be able to relax the soul and the body, and yet to prepare myself. I am trying to avoid any bad feelings, and focus on the good. I am still learning how to take the good and happy and stay away from any sadness. I think that this can help me be stronger, even if I just need it for now. I am still learning how to get, as I am used to give…And I am learning again and again to appreciate the “usual” and the “obvious”, but fear won`t let go… I promise to update, please pray for me.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart, love, Revital.

Advertisements

About Revital Shiri-Horowitz

Author DAUGHTERS OF IRAQ, and HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON (English and Hebrew versions) novels @ immigrant experience to Israel. Experienced speaker to Jewish communities, bk audiences. Luvs her 4 sons/hubby/Havana Silk dogs http://revital-sh.com/
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Fear

  1. nelle says:

    Easy for someone else to suggest how to cope,and I won’t do that… most of us would feel as you do right now. Best wishes for a speedy and full recovery. *hugs*

  2. Jonathan says:

    I am thinking about you. I am praying for your comfort, internal peace, and a quick recovery from a stunningly successful recovery.

  3. Judy. Greenstein says:

    Dearest Revital
    You are brave. you are strong. You are an oak whose feel like a reed, but you are, nonetheless, an oak. We are all praying for you today and throughput you recovery. We pray that the day comes when this is a conversation at a gathering that begins, “when I had cancer..”. I believe with all
    My heart that that day will come. I am only so sorry for the pain and fear you have until then. We send you all our love for strength and health
    Judy, jeff and the kids

    • Thank you dear Judy. I think about you too. You are a uniqe person too, and I admire your strength. You have touched my heart.

      Hope we can meet when I am in Seattle and have a big laugh over all this…

      Love, Revital

  4. Elaine Mintz says:

    Revital,
    You are in my thoughts. I think being fearful is a normal reaction with all the cancer we have seen in our lives. I am sure everyone who knows you is praying for you and I will have my husband ask the Chabad Rabbi to do a prayer for you today when he goes to shul this AM for a yahrzeit.
    By the way, on a cheerier note, I saw your son at the Ellenhorns a couple of months ago ago at a Shabbat. He was so surprised I read your blogs. Kids think their parents are unknowns!! He is a handsome boy. See, now you have a smile on your face thinking of your kids.
    Elaine Mintz

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s