Silence is good for some things in life and some things are purposely are being silenced. There are things that you grow so sick of, just sick of being silent that they burst out with such power it is scary how they jerk your heart and soul. I am talking about the subject of family love, yes, the kind of love that is “obvious”, “doesn’t depend on anything”, a “natural love” but truth be told, love that has nothing to do with nature. This is not an easy post to write. It’s not even easy to organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense, because feelings sometimes overpower logic and right now I feel that I’ve been cheated all my life when told old tales of family love. To be completely honest I am also feeling fear, tremendous fear. I have my kids to teach the value of family love, and if I do not do that, will my kids turn their backs on me one day, like I am doing right now?
As some of you already know, we moved this summer back to Israel, after spending many years in the US, and I am talking here about the connection between myself, my siblings and mom. I feel like I am opening a Pandora box, knowing what will come out, but not what it will do. I hope to give others who feel like me the power to do the same, and not to be afraid to speak out of their pain.
I cannot understand how this happens, that people you love and trust the most can hurt you the most, and are able to take advantage of you, use you and treat you badly, and do it by the name of family love. A powerful love is as powerful as hate, and jealousy, and everything is so mixed up together, that I cannot find the right order in this pandemonium of thoughts and feelings. All I know is that there is a sharp pain in my heart and a great desire to pack my family and take it back to the US, where there is some loneliness for me, but also the peace of mind I do not have here at all.
People look from the outside and see a nice house and a nice family, and all they can think about is how the people in this house must have such a sweet life, no problems, no challenges, and they get jealous, and when this happens they cannot control their feelings and they start treating those people badly, thinking they can always get away with it by the name of love, “family love”, because we always forgive our families, they are our families after all, your family is not supposed to take advantage of your feelings and hurt you. They think they can take all the poison they have in their own life and throw at you, because you are their family and you will always take it, and will forgive them for everything they say or do, even if they hurt you so badly that they break your heart.
And then something interesting happened – I couldn’t be in this situation anymore. I did not want to understand them anymore, accept the way they behave or even forgive them. I just wanted to be left alone, and just prayed for the pain to stop.
I need to figure out how to avoid the pain, and how to be alert for my kids to never be like me, never let anyone treat them badly. No one deserves to be treated badly, everyone deserve to be treated with respect, especially by their family who knows them best, and also knows what will hurt them most. They are the ones who must be most careful approaching you.
Does anyone have any ideas how to stop the pain, just let it go and move on?