When love is gone


Silence is good for some things in life and some things are purposely are being silenced. There are things that you grow so sick of, just sick of being silent that they burst out with such power it is scary how they jerk your heart and soul. I am talking about the subject of family love, yes, the kind of love that is “obvious”, “doesn’t depend on anything”, a “natural love” but truth be told, love that has nothing to do with nature. This is not an easy post to write. It’s not even easy to organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense, because feelings sometimes overpower logic and right now I feel that I’ve been cheated all my life when told old tales of family love. To be completely honest I am also feeling fear, tremendous fear. I have my kids to teach the value of family love, and if I do not do that, will my kids turn their backs on me one day, like I am doing right now?

As some of you already know, we moved this summer back to Israel, after spending many years in the US, and I am talking here about the connection between myself, my siblings and mom. I feel like I am opening a Pandora box, knowing what will come out, but not what it will do. I hope to give others who feel like me the power to do the same, and not to be afraid to speak out of their pain.

I cannot understand how this happens, that people you love and trust the most can hurt you the most, and are able to take advantage of you, use you and treat you badly, and do it by the name of family love. A powerful love is as powerful as hate, and jealousy, and everything is so mixed up together, that I cannot find the right order in this pandemonium of thoughts and feelings. All I know is that there is a sharp pain in my heart and a great desire to pack my family and take it back to the US, where there is some loneliness for me, but also the peace of mind I do not have here at all.

People look from the outside and see a nice house and a nice family, and all they can think about is how the people in this house must have such a sweet life, no problems, no challenges, and they get jealous, and when this happens they cannot control their feelings and they start treating those people badly, thinking they can always get away with it by the name of love, “family love”, because we always forgive our families, they are our families after all, your family is not supposed to take advantage of your feelings and hurt you. They think they can take all the poison they have in their own life and throw at you, because you are their family and you will always take it, and will forgive them for everything they say or do, even if they hurt you so badly that they break your heart.

And then something interesting happened – I couldn’t be in this situation anymore. I did not want to understand them anymore, accept the way they behave or even forgive them. I just wanted to be left alone, and just prayed for the pain to stop.

I need to figure out how to avoid the pain, and how to be alert for my kids to never be like me, never let anyone treat them badly. No one deserves to be treated badly, everyone deserve to be treated with respect, especially by their family who knows them best, and also knows what will hurt them most. They are the ones who must be most careful approaching you.

Does anyone have any ideas how to stop the pain, just let it go and move on?

 

 

 

 

 

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About Revital Shiri-Horowitz

Author DAUGHTERS OF IRAQ novel @ immigrant experience to Israel. Experienced speaker to Jewish communities, bk audiences. Luvs her 4 sons/hubby/Havana Silk dogs http://revital-sh.com/
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10 Responses to When love is gone

  1. Jackie says:

    My beautiful friend, this tore at my heart as I read. Without all the details, I can feel you are in tremendous pain and confusion and my heart bleeds for you. The one place you should feel safe, loved and accepted is in your family.

    But that being said, families are a complex bag. We all know we can choose our friends but not the people God decides to connect us with biologically. Often it is wonderful. Sometimes it is excruciatingly painful.

    I had a situation in our family after my mother passed away 8 years ago. My youngest brother, who we believe is bi-polar, went on a rage and threatened to kill us all. Needless to say, action had to be taken and he was banned from the family with restraining orders for 3 years. It broke my heart – my father’s worse. It divided my other brothers and I and took years to repair.

    But sometimes, even though they are family, we have to break away to protect ourselves and the family that was given to us by the universe. Our children learn by our example, not our words, and if they watch you stand up for what is right for yours they too will follow.

    Whatever is going on right now I have a feeling its being fueled by ego and fear on their part. As hard as it is try to forgive. It won’t be for their benefit, but yours. It doesn’t mean you create space for them in your life right now. Perhaps they don’t deserve it. But it will open your heart to keep you the loving person I know you are.

    Blessings on you my precious friend.You are in my prayers.
    Jackie

  2. How sad. I wish peace for you Revital. I totally understand how you feel. Have been through situations with family members and siblings. The hardest thing to understand is that your ‘family’ are separate entities from you. Same as your children. Though you were put on earth by blood and you would think it binds us together, we are separated by the fact we are individuals and they are just people. Just as Jackie said, “Sometimes we have to break away to protect ourselves and family…”

    I have a brother who has done such wrong to the family we basically ignore him. I wish him the best, but know he is toxic in ourlives. Hopefully, one day he will see his wrong doings and apologize. It is hard, gets easier with time when you give it space. In the meantime keep praying for peace of mind.

  3. kario says:

    Family relationships are so difficult, especially when we are physically close to family members. I hope that you are able to establish some boundaries for yourself and honor your own needs during this difficult time. I have found that the times that others hurt me most profoundly is when they are acting out of fear and it is a struggle to remember not to take it personally. It rarely has anything to do with me, and so much more to do with that person and their own ghosts.

    Take care.

    • Dear Kario

      Thanks for your comment, and thanks for sharing your wisdom with me. I do agree on the two major things you mentioned; set boundries and remember that people when they act out, they do so out of fear and chasing their ghosts.

      Revital

  4. Thanks for the honesty in this post. I wish you a lot of luck as you move forward in a happier direction.

  5. jenhaugland says:

    Dearest Revital,

    I am just getting caught up on your blogs. To this one, I too can relate to a very toxic family. They live very close to me but we have very little to do with each other. I have always grown up with the belief that family should always be there for each other, but the reality is contrary. It is however, not contrary with my own children. We shielded them and we instilled that love for family in them. We kept “the sins of the father” from being passed on to the next generation.

    I agree, you are not who they say you are or what they do to you. The pain will come and go but I pray you will know how precious you are evenso. And I also agree that at some point you will have to work through the process of forgiving them, not for their benefit but for yours. You can keep peace and love in your heart for them by praying for them and keeping healthy boundaries that will protect you and your family. So sorry you have to go through this.

    Love you, Revital.

    Jen

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