Fear

Tomorrow is “the big day”- the day I will be operated. The last three weeks that were a waiting period looked like they will never end, but I managed to keep myself occupied with things that made this time easier for me. I wrote and also started working with a fantastic editor on my second novel. My editor actually served in the Army with me, and he is a very talented and well known poet in Israel. It actually feels like home just to be able to work with him.

I was also busy promoting my book “Daughters of Iraq” last weekend that brought its ranking to a high place in Historical fiction. I was also busy with everyday life, with the most important people in my life and a one small dog. Those filed my days with joy and happiness. But the nights; the nights is a totally different story. At nights I try to fall asleep as late as possible, and if I could give sleeping up at all, I would do it with pleasure, since the moment I fall asleep my dreams are haunted, all the devils gets out of the bottle…

I am afraid, yes I say it clearly. I am so much afraid, and I do not have the energy to now stay strong. I am afraid of the surgery and of the things that will follow. If I could wake up in a month I would do it with pleasure, but there isn`t yet any “Time Machine” that I could use, and as for now, I do need to go through that “reality tunnel”. I spent some time at the hospital last week, did all the procedures and preparations, and was told that I should get a phone call the next day to tell me the time of the surgery. The next day I missed some phone calls, did not notice I had some messages, and by the end of the day got a pretty hysteric phone call telling me, that the hospital people were trying to reach me all day. I knew they were supposed to call me, but somehow I just forgot about it. I guess that the mind has its own way getting over things, by just letting them go…

I try to take my mind to a happy places, restful ones, just to be able to relax the soul and the body, and yet to prepare myself. I am trying to avoid any bad feelings, and focus on the good. I am still learning how to take the good and happy and stay away from any sadness. I think that this can help me be stronger, even if I just need it for now. I am still learning how to get, as I am used to give…And I am learning again and again to appreciate the “usual” and the “obvious”, but fear won`t let go… I promise to update, please pray for me.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart, love, Revital.

Cancer – A rude word

We are all familiar with the word “cancer”. I too am very much familiar with this word. I lost my dad to lung cancer three years ago, my mom is sick with skin cancer (not deadly, thank God), a few of my girlfriends had cancer and healed, and a very special and close friend is quite sick with cancer. This extremely rude word is chilling. It has a scary sound and a feeling of death. When someone even hears about a person that got sick in this way, their heart skips a beat. I admit that I react the same way; this disease scares me so much. Just the thought that there are cells wandering around someone’s body without any control, doing whatever damage they want is so tough.

Two weeks ago I noticed a lump under my chin. I went to see the doctor and he sent me to an ultrasound test. I am usually an optimistic person, but I get nervous around any kind of tests…As I lay there, I noticed that the technician took extra time looking around my thyroid; he then said I will need a biopsy, since he noticed something that looked suspicious. To my question what he really saw, he answered, that he could not give me any more information, I would have to do the biopsy. The level of pressure went up, I was so nervous, and the next day I had a biopsy. The answer came three days later, and those days were some of the longest days in my life. I could not sleep; thoughts and thoughts just came like a splash of freezing water. At the end of this long wait I got the results that were not so surprising, it is indeed thyroid cancer.

Me? I thought? Am I the one to get sick with cancer? How can it be? Although I thought I was prepared for this, it was a big shock. It was not close, it was me this time, and just thinking of this can get someone out of their mind. I am writing all this, totally exposing everything I went through, and no, I am not afraid to do so, I am a writer, an Author, this is what I do, I write, and I know I need all the support I can get, also the support I can get through my devoted readers.

The first thought that came to my mind, after I stopped crying, was how lucky I am that it is me who is sick, and not anyone of me loved ones. The second thought I had was that I want to be able to raise my kids. Later I had such a roller-coaster of thoughts with deep sinking (downs) and slow climbing (ups…), and at the end of each journey, that each of it lasts for only a few minutes, you are left without air, totally exhausted – I had too many roller-coasters for the last two weeks.

 I have seen doctors, checked it in depth, this kind of Cancer is not deadly, thank God, and it is neither a gift on the other hand… There is a need to remove the thyroid in full; maybe another minor treatment to complete the whole thing, and then, the doctors promises, I can go back to my regular routine. I have already promised my kids and husband I will be as good as new at no time, all I have to do is just pass over this “little” bridge, and then I can go back to prepare my third boy`s Bar Mitzvah, which will take place by the end of March. I can go back to the real busy fulfilling life I have.

I would like to take with me a few things from this problematic situation: I am not alone with this: I have people around me who love and care about me. This is really helpful getting all the love I get these days…Another important thing to remember is that life is a great gift: we need to enjoy, cherish and appreciate what we have every single day, since nothing is obvious. And third, you have make a lemonade out of this sour lemon, and this is what I intend to do: I am going to take this “life experience”, which came without any warning, and make the best out of it. I know that I am strong, and am already encouraged even  just by this thought, and actually a few days of rest won`t harm, I will catch up on some reading, watch a few movies, and just get spoiled…

I wish all of you good health and a fantastic happy day!

Love, Revital

The Queen (Janis Ian) and I

A few weeks ago, my friend Sophie celebrated her birthday.  To mark this important day, my friend Ronit (who also is a very good friend of Sophie’s) and I decided to take her out to watch Janis Ian`s live concert in Tel-Aviv. It was the kind of idea that all three of us, who have been “triplet best friends” since the happy days of High School, hoped would let us to spend some “quality” time together. I am looking back to the days we were young and restless: Sophie used to be so serious and creative, and today she is a gifted graphic designer.  She creates jewelry, and she paints (when she has the time). Ronit is a CPA. She is smart and talented and she is a very empathic good- hearted person. She used to be so quiet and serious too. I, among all three of us, was “the trouble maker”. I still remember the look on my best friends’ faces when they noticed I got to school many hours after it started, and left way before it ended, escaping to the beautiful beaches of Herzliya (a city near Tel-Aviv). Sophie and Ronit were not my partners for naughty actions I took back then, but were my partners for everything else, and the love among us is the same love it was back then.

I am lucky to be “one of three best friends”. Throughout the years we have loved each other, we have been there for one another in times of joy and times of sorrow. We enjoy each other`s company, we like chatting and laughing and even just being there together, no need to talk. How many people are fortunate enough to have such best friends in a lifetime? I appreciate and cherish this friendship that lasted for over thirty years, with a physical distance – continents apart.

Since we moved back to Israel last summer, I get to see Sophie and Ronit quite often, and I get to enjoy their company, and this opportunity to go and see Janis Ian together had more meaning to me, then going with anyone else. While all three of us were soldiers, we used to listen to Janis Ian on my simple cassette recorder that stood in our room. Ronit shared a room with me for five months, and then she left to a different program and became an officer, while Sophie did a different program from the beginning. Sophie served as a teacher-soldier to disadvantaged kids, who did not have the opportunity to study as kids or teenagers, and got another chance while they became soldiers. I need to explain to everyone who does not know how the system in Israel works. It is mandatory in Israel for any 18 years old to go and serve our country for a few years (girls two years, boys three). People really start their adult life at age of 21. Anyways, back to what I meant to write, I spent a meaningful time sharing Janis`s music with Ronit, while I was able to meet Sophie on weekends every now and then, when we both had a break from the Army.

We drove to the Tel-Aviv port on Friday. It is always lively and nice there. It has many stores, cafes, restaurants, and a beautiful beach.  It also has a farmer`s market that I love visiting. They have the best fish sandwiches, so if you ever get there, you should try one. We wondered around the shops, and the market, and took our lunches with us and sat in front of the stormy sea, and then went to see Janis, who performed in a nice cozy place called “Reding 3”. We took beers with us, and sat together. So excited to see her together, we were swept away by Janis`s beautiful voice and stories about her life.

Janis`s voice is so gentle, it just touches your heart. It then goes down to your stomach, the very inside within us. It gives you the chills, and it warms you, at the same time, and all you want to do is just sit and listen forever.

Janis shared not only her wonderful voice; she also shared her life stories with us. She started her career as a teenager, she was fifteen. A Jewish girl from the Bronx, and she flew up to be one of the very well-known singers around the world. Her songs crossed oceans and continents, and went inside many hearts.

Janis is sixty, and you can easily notice that she is appreciative of what she has achieved in life.  She told us about the time she performed in California, singing a song about a black boy falling in love with a white girl. She said it was back in the sixties, and a bunch of people started protesting, while she was singing that love song. What a long way we have come since then, but she still cannot forget that night. She told us about her mom that at age forty went back to college, and only after fourteen years was able to graduate. How the diploma was hanging on the wall next to her kids picture, the two major achievements in her life. How she got sick with multiple sclerosis, how hard it was for Janis to see her sinking. Janis established a scholarship under her mom`s name, and she gives it to people who are eager to go back to school at a later time of life.

Janis told us about the love of her life, about her wife, and about the fact that they married, but their marriage is only accepted in specific places, and how complicated it is for her to be married and single at the same time.

And Janis sang. She sang all the songs I knew, and some who were new to me, and she took me back thirty years (How shocking…It is thirty years…), and I was so excited and happy I could share all this with my girlfriends. We enjoyed the music and the conversations we had, we enjoyed the little silence we had here and there. I enjoyed this show very much, and especially I loved the fact that Janis performed simply with her guitar, dressed simple, no wraps, no makeup, no hiding behind anything, just her and us, the crowed who accepted her with lots of love.

A once in a lifetime experience, no doubt.

When love is gone

Silence is good for some things in life and some things are purposely are being silenced. There are things that you grow so sick of, just sick of being silent that they burst out with such power it is scary how they jerk your heart and soul. I am talking about the subject of family love, yes, the kind of love that is “obvious”, “doesn’t depend on anything”, a “natural love” but truth be told, love that has nothing to do with nature. This is not an easy post to write. It’s not even easy to organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense, because feelings sometimes overpower logic and right now I feel that I’ve been cheated all my life when told old tales of family love. To be completely honest I am also feeling fear, tremendous fear. I have my kids to teach the value of family love, and if I do not do that, will my kids turn their backs on me one day, like I am doing right now?

As some of you already know, we moved this summer back to Israel, after spending many years in the US, and I am talking here about the connection between myself, my siblings and mom. I feel like I am opening a Pandora box, knowing what will come out, but not what it will do. I hope to give others who feel like me the power to do the same, and not to be afraid to speak out of their pain.

I cannot understand how this happens, that people you love and trust the most can hurt you the most, and are able to take advantage of you, use you and treat you badly, and do it by the name of family love. A powerful love is as powerful as hate, and jealousy, and everything is so mixed up together, that I cannot find the right order in this pandemonium of thoughts and feelings. All I know is that there is a sharp pain in my heart and a great desire to pack my family and take it back to the US, where there is some loneliness for me, but also the peace of mind I do not have here at all.

People look from the outside and see a nice house and a nice family, and all they can think about is how the people in this house must have such a sweet life, no problems, no challenges, and they get jealous, and when this happens they cannot control their feelings and they start treating those people badly, thinking they can always get away with it by the name of love, “family love”, because we always forgive our families, they are our families after all, your family is not supposed to take advantage of your feelings and hurt you. They think they can take all the poison they have in their own life and throw at you, because you are their family and you will always take it, and will forgive them for everything they say or do, even if they hurt you so badly that they break your heart.

And then something interesting happened – I couldn’t be in this situation anymore. I did not want to understand them anymore, accept the way they behave or even forgive them. I just wanted to be left alone, and just prayed for the pain to stop.

I need to figure out how to avoid the pain, and how to be alert for my kids to never be like me, never let anyone treat them badly. No one deserves to be treated badly, everyone deserve to be treated with respect, especially by their family who knows them best, and also knows what will hurt them most. They are the ones who must be most careful approaching you.

Does anyone have any ideas how to stop the pain, just let it go and move on?

 

 

 

 

 

All We Need is Love or Not Sleepless in Seattle

After almost three weeks in the US, I went back home to Tel-Aviv, where my family is. I had a great time at the US with family and friends, and all the people who came to my lectures and bought my book. It was a first time for me leaving my family for such a long time, and I admit, I was a little worried that I might get lonely or even bored. Instead I found out a new thing about myself I did not know existed.

I enjoyed my “alone” time and treasured it. I loved the sound of silence, especially when I woke in the mornings. I enjoyed meeting friends, managing my time without thinking of anyone else but me. I was even so excited I was able to go to the mall in the evenings, at times that I usually spent at home with my kids. I just had fun!

I used to be afraid to sleep alone for many years, even when I had my kids with me. I remember asking one of our friends — a male, who was single — if he was willing to come and spent the nights in our guest room when my husband traveled. I remember people gossiped about it, but I did not care much, all I wanted was  a good night sleep without fear…

God, I was young. I have no idea when exactly I stopped fearing to sleep alone. I just remember I had fought it for many years, since my husband used to travel a lot. I think it began after I gave it a thought and decided to try to just stop fearing. I know it makes no sense, but that decision made a big impact on how I really felt.

I am wondering if I am alone here, or is any other women feeling this way like me?

I’ve never lived by myself. I moved from my parent’s house to a rented apartment that I shared with my boyfriend, who later became my husband. I actually did not experience life by myself.

So for the very first time at age 46 I found myself home alone and actually liked it. I am not sure I would have liked it for a longer period of time, since I did miss my husband and kids very much, but I felt like I have grown, and I was proud of myself.

It wasn’t that obvious to me that I could do this — sleeping alone in a house, driving five hours south, and then north, crossing the Canadian border by myself, giving four lectures all over the West Coast. I am so happy I was able to do that without any fear and enjoy every single minute of it.

I am so blessed, thank god, having people who love me and care about me. In every location I traveled, I had people who love me, and who I love come to my lectures with me, help carry the heavy books, help with the sales, and support me emotionally. I am grateful and thankful to all of them, and especially to my best friend who stayed with our kids and encouraged me to take time for myself and enjoy the fruits of my work.

Be blessed where ever you are. We grow a little every day. And please do not forget to be thankful for what you have. Every day is a unique day that would not be back, so just try to enjoy and be happy.

Love to all, Revital

Back in the United States for the Holidays

I arrived in the US on Friday, will stay in the Northwest for a little over two weeks. I left my husband and three out of four boys in Israel and came here to be with our oldest son who stayed in the United States in college, and to participate in the Jewish Book Festivals, in Seattle, Washington, and in Vancouver, British Columbia.

It was very hard for me to leave my family behind, and yet, I was so excited that I had the privilege of traveling all the way to the other side of the world to see my eldest son, kiss his beautiful cheeks and just give him a big hug. I missed him so much.

He drove five hours just to be with me for the weekend. He picked me up from the airport, and I was surprised to see how he’s changed in the last couple of months, since I last saw him. He’s matured. Is this something you really can see from the outside? I suddenly saw him as an adult. I am wondering how this happened so fast.

I later learned he is indeed very independent. These last couple of months have taught him that there are so many things he can do by himself. Yes, he does miss us very much, but he knows how to handle life as an adult, be responsible for school work, laundry, bank, etc. I was lucky to be able to spoil him this weekend, and give him a little sense of home he’s missed so much.

In addition to being with my son, I managed to participate in book reading and book signing in Seattle area, and also gave a lecture about my book, Daughters of Iraq, in the synagogue where I’m still a member. I must say I feel so much at home here. There are so many people I love that live here. After all, I spent a great chunk of my life here. Two of our kids were born here. I have so many memories from our life here, and I will always be thankful for that.

The lecture and book reading went well. I was especially so excited to see familiar faces at both places. It felt so good. I felt loved and appreciated, and I am so thankful to those great people who helped me feel this way.

We are getting so close to Thanksgiving. I think that this is a brilliant holiday. In Judaism we have Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. That special day makes you think about life, and the way you treat God and people in your life. Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday, and you really do not need to keep your stomach empty just to be able to appreciate everything and everyone you have in your life. But I see some similarities between both holidays.

We get some reminding of what is important in life. In Thanksgiving you do feed your stomach, unlike Yom Kippur… but just like Yom Kippur, you get together with special people in your life and get a little remainder of what is important in your life.

I find it interesting and important to have those remainders in life, although the turkey tradition takes a little out of this nice holiday. It is a little weird for me to see all the festivities around one poor turkey…

I am writing now from Eugene, Oregon. I got here a few hours ago, visiting my son in college. It is pretty nice in here, although it is a little chilly. We had an early dinner (or a late lunch) and I enjoyed his company. He then took me to the dorms, and all I can say about it is that it smells in there… He is happy though, and this is all that matters to me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Be well, healthy and happy, and just enjoy all the good little and big things in life.

Revital

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Revital Shiri-Horowitz is the award-winning author of Daughters of Iraq, a novel based on the true life events of her family’s exodus out of Iraq to Israel in the 1950s to escape persecution.

See You Soon, My Second Novel is Being Written

Living in the United States for sixteen years was quite an experience for me. I had no idea how my life would look like when I first got to Washington State. I was a young mom of a two-year old boy, pregnant with our second boy. I fell in love with the place and the people, but didn’t like the grey and the cold weather at all.

During this long period of time in my life I faced many challenges, and experienced lots of things I loved, but I also noticed how hard it was for me to raise my kids far from family, in a different culture and in a different language.

When I finished writing my first novel, Daughters of Iraq, I knew I had to write another novel, this time about the life of a spouse in the United States. That’s what I’m working on now.

I also wanted to experience writing a novel through letters. The famous Italian author, Natasha Ginsburg, wrote like this and she’s influenced me greatly. I’ve read all her books.

I started writing my second novel in letters, and after a while I had a feeling that I needed to add another level to my writing, so I wrote about a woman living in a small apartment in Tel Aviv. I wasn’t sure what brought her there. She isolates herself from society, hurting. I soon discovered that she left her family in the US and went back home to Tel-Aviv. Why did she do it? Why is she isolating herself? I was not sure in the beginning, but slowly I learned her story as I wrote it, and hope that one day you will be able to read.

There is a third level to my novel and it is our true story, our biography as immigrants living in the US, and our moving back to Israel. Our story is revealed through my blog posts that have been published for almost two years in “Haaretz,” one of Israel’s main newspapers.

I write my novels first in Hebrew. Wishing for all people who will be interested in reading my books to be able to read them in English, I am hoping to be able to publish my second book in both languages, again, as I did for my first book, Daughters of Iraq.

—
Revital Shiri-Horowitz is the award-winning author of Daughters of Iraq, a novel based on the true life events of her family’s exodus out of Iraq to Israel in the 1950s to escape persecution.

Life and Peace in Israel

I was going to write about my army service and about a special reunion party that took place about a week ago in our house (and I still will — see below), but I cannot do that before I write first about other important matters.

You would probably wonder why, and I will answer in a second, but first I would like to write about the important value of life and peace. About a week ago Israel relisted 1027 terrorists and murderers who were eager to kill Jews. It did not matter to them whether they were babies, kids, women or men, as long as they killed in the name of their God. I am saying their God, because I do believe in God, and do not see any God approving such actions, so maybe they have a special God who approves such things.

We let them go. They sat in prison that let them use cell phones, have great meals, and get visitors, even study! Our Gilad Shalit never got a visit from the Red Cross even, for over 5 years did not see the sun. He was treated like a “thing,” not like a person.

Israel let them go because we value life, they do not. For the last 24 hours terrorists have being shooting missiles from Gaza, trying to kill civilians. There were over fifty missiles shot. One person was killed. A few were injured.

Life has stopped. No schools, no weddings, no social gatherings, no nothing. And I am wondering if you know of any nation that would not just get into Gaza to stop those people from shooting at our cities.

My heart goes out to the families in the south of Israel. I am hoping that one day Israel will live in peace. I am not sure any more that that day will ever come.

And regarding the special reunion — it happened over a week ago, and it was so fantastic. I served in a special program that combined Kibbutz life and army service, and there were about 40 people in that program. A week ago we all met, 25 years later…

It is amazing to see what we’ve all become 25 years later. There were lots of tears and chills. So many good memories came up — about great friendships and old love affairs, and the fact that our service was the first time we’d all left home.

In most “normal” countries, people who graduate from high school go to college. In Israel you have to first serve your country. For men, it’s a minimum of three years, for women a minimum of two. Only after they are done with their army service can they go back to school and start their civilian adult life.

I think that this is really sad, and not because of the fact that we serve our country, but because of the fact that Israel just to be able to survive needs all young people to join the army. I do pray so hard that one day no parent will have to send their kids to war, and peace will be everywhere.

I really cannot know what I would have become without serving in the army, since I did not experience something else, but I can say one thing, it made me tougher. It made me more suspicious and tough. I am not naïve, and sometimes I really wish I were. What would I be like without my army service? I really do not have a straight answer for that. This is me and that is all I can say.

Wishing you Peace and love, Revital.

—
Revital Shiri-Horowitz is the award-winning author of Daughters of Iraq, a novel based on the true life events of her family’s exodus out of Iraq to Israel in the 1950s to escape persecution.

We Want to Know Where We Come From

Thank you to book reviewer and book blogger, Cristi of the Alaskan Book Cafe, for the lovely review of Daughters of Iraq she posted on Sept. 29, 2011.

An excerpt of what she said about Daughters of Iraq:

It is a journey most women take I think. Wanting to know where we came from, what are roots are, how we came to be shaped and ultimately who we are as a result. I felt that this book was about finding your roots, your home and being comfortable with it.

This is a heart-wrenching story at times. I cried in several places. But it is also a heartwarming story with warmth, laughter and hope. It is the story of 3 strong women who endure and find a way to what makes them happy. It is a fictional story written so well that you forget that. Then you see the haunting beauty of it. I believe there are aspects of this story that most women can relate to, whether you are Jewish, Christian, Muslim or other. We are all women and we all take the same journey; we just travel different paths. I found this book to be informative, emotional and most of all inspiring. From the start of it I had a hard time putting it down. When I began it we had a windstorm that took out our power. I read by candlelight. I give this book a solid 5 stars. It is one I would recommend.

I must ask you not to pass it up because you feel that if you are not Jewish you will not have an interest in it. If you do you will be missing an excellent book that could enrich your own life regardless of your religion.

You can read the entire review here.

Also, if you’d like to review Daughters of Iraq, please contact my literary manager at beth At bethbarany DOT com, and she’ll send you a complimentary copy in print or in one of the digital formats of your choice.

Guest Author Interview: Ey Wade

Author, Ey Wade

Ey Wade is the single parent of three awesome young women, whom she homeschooled through high school and the grandmother of “Lovey,” her young grandson. She is currently the author of nine books written through various genres.

I recently interviewed her about her life as an author and what led her to write and publish her books.

Read the rest of the interview here on my website.